Baby Booties on the Tree
by fananicfan
Summary: Christmases haven't been so pleasant for the Rabbs.  In fact, they haven't been celebrating in the traditional way.  Will something happen this year to change that for them.  Read and find out.


As always, no copyright infringement is intended. I just wanted to borrow them for a few minutes, and since I'll make no money off this story, please don't sue.

Though this story is set in the years after the final episode and would follow canon, except for Mattie, who isn't mentioned. So, for the sake of this story, let's say that Mattie went off to live with her father, her accident never happened, and though she and Harm stay in touch, Harm is not a part of her life.

I think that sets this story up, so here you go...

Baby Booties on the Tree  
by: fananicfan

DECEMBER 23, 2008  
HOTEL  
NEW YORK CITY

Harm was awake and staring at the ceiling while his wife was snuggled in at his side with his arm wrapped around her.

They had five days left on this 'avoid Christmas' trip, and Harm hoped that it was working better for his wife than it was for him.

Was it ever going to get easier?

How quickly the Christmas of 2006 had gone from one of the best to one of ... no, THE worst ever.

***********FLASHBACK***********

TWO YEARS AGO  
DECEMBER 10, 2006

This Christmas was their first as a married couple, and that made celebrating it special.

Yes, this year, for the first time since he'd been five-years-old, the last Christmas that his father had been home with he and his mom, Harm felt happy and like celebrating the holiday, and if being Mac's husband wasn't cause enough to be filled with joy, there was the baby that was growing inside of Mac, which added to the delightfully giddy feeling that he had this Christmas.

The only thing that he could think of that would make this holiday any better would be seeing his son or daughter running excitedly to the Christmas tree to open his or her presents.

With a broad smile adorning his face at the thought of the years to come of seeing his child opening presents on Christmas day, he'd hung the lights on the tree before he and Mac had begun to hang the ornaments.

One of the last items hung on the tree wasn't a traditional ornament, but a pair of baby booties that Mac had bought just hours after she'd found out that she was pregnant. She'd wrapped them up and given them as a gift to Harm. It was how she'd let him know that he was going to be a father.

Since the baby hadn't arrived yet, a Baby's First Christmas stocking was premature, so Mac had put the white, lace-trimmed booties on their tree. She'd said that, when he or she was old enough to ask, she'd explain that the booties on the tree were a reminder of the Christmas when he or she was still in momma's tummy and a symbol that, even before they'd been born, he or she had been wanted and loved.

DECEMBER 15, 2006

Harm was enjoying retirement and, having come in from playing golf with his stepfather minutes before Mac came home from work, he kissed her hello before he went about cooking dinner while she went to their bedroom to change from her uniform into something more suited for an evening of lounging around the house with her husband.

He was preparing dinner when his name echoed through the house and he knew from the sound of her voice that something was terribly wrong. Knowing that the only thing that could have her in such a panic would have to do with their baby, food became airborne, and pots hit the floor as he literally dropped everything and ran to their bedroom.

When he got there, he didn't see Mac.

He called out, "Mac!"

"In here," came Mac's shaky response from the bathroom.

He rushed to the bathroom door and found Mac on the floor with her arms folded around her stomach and tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Mac?"

It was only her name, but he didn't have to say more. She knew what he was asking her.

"Something's wrong. It hurts ..." is all Mac got out before her tears muffled her words.

Carefully, Harm got Mac to her feet and took her to the hospital where they confirmed that Mac had suffered a miscarriage.

When Harm brought Mac home from the hospital and she saw the Christmas tree, she burst into tears.

"There will never be a merry Christmas in our home," she said softly as she moved to their bedroom to lie down.

While Mac rested, Harm took down the decorations, ornaments and any other signs of Christmas and packed them away before tossing out the tree. There would be no Christmas in their home this year, maybe ever.

********END FLASHBACK********

The following year, they'd avoided decorating and celebrating in any way by going to the Bahamas from the 14th to the 28th of December, cramming as many activities such as wakeboarding, scuba diving, parasailing, deep sea fishing, anything and everything that they'd ever done and enjoyed or had ever thought about trying into each day, but it didn't keep him from thinking about the child that they'd lost.

This year, Mac had chosen New York City for their holiday destination. They had five more days here, but again, not the sightseeing, shopping or seeing a Broadway play had kept him from thinking about the son or daughter that he would never know.

It wasn't only his desire to be a father, but his desire to give his wife the gift of becoming a mother that had fueled his desire to continue to try to have a baby in the aftermath of the miscarriage. However, Mac hadn't felt the same way.

Discussing what the doctor had said about them resuming treatment to become pregnant again, Mac had said to him, "I was disappointed every month when there was a negative result, but the moment that the doctor said that I was pregnant, everything that came before was forgotten. Now, not even finding out that I was pregnant again would take away the pain that I feel from this loss. I don't want to keep trying. I can't keep trying. It hurts too much."

Harm had hoped that, after some time had passed, she'd change her mind, but after the first anniversary of the miscarriage, he'd come to understand that she couldn't keep living with the uncertainty of not knowing when or if she'd ever have a child. For her, it was easier to mourn the loss and accept that they had tried and failed.

He'd mourned, too, but he'd accepted the loss of their baby. For him, it was accepting that they'd…that he'd failed to give her the gift that she wanted most, the gift of motherhood, with which he was still having a hard time coming to terms.

He had, since the miscarriage, coaxed her into discussing other options like surrogacy and adoption, but it had been either too soon for Mac to consider the choices or she wanted to carry a child and no other means would suffice, so her answer had been "no".

Mac stirred next to him, but then she settled closer to him, if that were possible, since they'd made love last night and fallen asleep sated and naked in each other's arms.

Harm felt the tips of her fingers drawing circles on his chest, and he knew that she was awake now, too.

Knowing that you can't ask someone if the trip that you're on is helping you not to think about why you're here in the first place, Harm remained silent, staring at the ceiling, but not making any attempt to hide the fact that he was awake by closing his eyes.

She couldn't decide. Should she tell him now or wait until Christmas as she'd originally planned?

Two of the worst things that could happen to a person, his father being shot down and the loss of a child had happened during the Christmas season, and she wasn't sure if the news that she had to share this year would give him joy or leave him feeling that he might be dealt another blow, perhaps ruining another holiday for him.

Perhaps New Year's might be better, Mac thought as she ran her fingertips over the well-defined lines of his muscular chest.

Mac lifted her head from his chest and, finding his eyes open, she smiled sweetly before her lips claimed his.

After administering a sweet good morning kiss, she pulled back slightly to look him in the eye.

"So, tell me, have you thought about where you'd like to go next year?"

"No, we haven't finished this trip yet," he replied.

He'd answered her somewhat distractedly, so she quickly dismissed the idea of telling him now.

"True, but our trips have been so different. Last year we were frolicking on the beach wearing very little, and this year we can't go outside without at least two layers of clothing and a coat."

"Then let's not go outside today," he said before rolling her over, his lips covering hers once her back had touched the mattress.

DECEMBER 25, 2008  
0130

Mac woke early. Her nerves wouldn't let her sleep any longer this morning.

Two days ago, after making love, she'd decided that the day was going too well to risk telling Harm the news. She was going to stick with her plan and tell him today.

It seemed silly in a way that she was anxious about telling him. She was sure that he'd be happy. However, she didn't know how much their past experience would cloud his feelings about this baby.

She hadn't forgotten the baby that she'd lost, and she would hang the baby booties on the tree every year from now on in remembrance. However, she'd been given a second chance, and she wanted this baby.

The doctor had told her that, once she'd reached twelve weeks, which had been last week, it would be a milestone and that it would be a sign that she'd carry this baby to full-term.

Mac slipped from the bed and put on her robe. She moved towards the bathroom and pulled a small bag from the closet.

After pulling out an envelope from the side pocket of the piece of luggage, she returned the bag to the shelf.

She moved towards the bed with the letter in her hand.

Having second thoughts about giving Harm the letter as a gift, Mac started to return the envelope to her bag, but changed her mind and turned back to face the bed.

She put her hand over her still flat stomach and whispered, "I've got to tell Daddy that, during our weekend on Mt. Laguna for our anniversary, he and I made you."

Mac placed the envelope on her pillow, but changed her mind. She wanted to see his expression when it dawned on him what the note said.

She slipped the envelope into the bedside table drawer before walking towards the bathroom to sit in a relaxing warm bath while she waited for Harm to wake up.

Having the warmth of his wife's body missing from his side, Harm started to stir, but didn't wake immediately. He just became restless.

Mac exited the bathroom, feeling more relaxed, but still nervous about how Harm would take the news and wondering if she was making a mistake by telling him on Christmas.

Noticing that, though they'd been making love nightly, the comforter seemed to be in more disarray than it should've have been, especially given they hadn't yet had their morning encounter, which had become customary on this trip, Mac watched as her husband tossed and turned in his sleep.

Since he hadn't yet read her note, he couldn't possibly be suffering any sleeping disorder caused by the news. So, concerned, she moved quickly to the bed and sat on the edge.

She didn't want to startle him, but she did want to know why he wasn't sleeping peacefully.

"Harm," she said softly.

His name, uttered with concern, entered his ears and sent a panic through him, and he came out of his state of sleep with a start.

"What's wrong, Mac?" he asked nervously.

"You weren't sleeping well, so I woke you to ask the same thing."

"I'm fine. I must have been having a bad dream or something," he answered.

"What were you dreaming about?" she asked.

"Nothing that I can remember," he replied.

Mac smiled sweetly at him.

Mac wondered momentarily if the timing was wrong. Perhaps she shouldn't tell him now, but quickly realized that if she didn't forge ahead, she'd lose her nerve.

She reached into the bedside table drawer, pulled out the envelope that she'd placed there and offered it to him.

"Merry Christmas, Harm."

Harm was in shock.

Not only had she uttered a sentiment that they hadn't said to each other for the past two years and he hadn't thought that they would this year either, but she was also offering him a gift, something else that they hadn't done, opting to use the money on some activity on their trip instead.

Seeing tears forming in her eyes, Harm quickly found his voice.

"Merry Christmas, Mac," he said, but he'd had to force out the words.

She pushed the envelope towards him.

He took the proffered envelope saying, "You should've told me that you wanted to exchange gifts this year. I didn't get you anything."

"Yes, you did. You just gave it to me a few months early."

Confused by what she'd just said, he blamed it on having just awakened and didn't ask any questions.

As Harm lifted the flap of the envelope to remove the paper inside, Mac felt nervous. This time not for the news, but that he'd be upset that she'd waited four weeks to tell him.

She held her breath, hoping that he'd understand when she told him why she'd waited to tell him.

Harm unfolded the paper that he'd pulled from the envelope.

Dear Harm,

For Christmas, I give you permission to fuss, hover, worry unnecessarily, be over protective of me and other such things that usually annoy me without penalty for the next six months – when our baby arrives.

Merry Christmas!

Love always,  
Mac

Wait ... did that say ... next six months ... when our baby arrives. ... when our baby arrives... It did! It said ...

He couldn't believe his eyes.

He lifted his eyes from the paper and saw Mac holding an ultrasound picture in her hand.

His eyes traveled up from the photo to her face, and when his eyes met hers and he knew that it was true, he had to ask anyway for some reason that he couldn't explain.

"We're having a ba-by? You're ..." Mac was already nodding affirmatively as his voice trailed off.

"Are you happy about it?" Mac asked, her voice cracking for fear that he wasn't as elated as she'd been when she'd been told by the doctor that she and he had created a baby.

"Yes!" he said, throwing the letter and the envelope up into the air because it was the closest thing that he had to confetti.

"Surprised, but definitely happy," he assured her as he reached for her.

After indulging in several celebratory kisses, Harm pulled back slightly...as if the rest of her note had suddenly sunk in.

"The baby will be here in six months. How long have you known that you were pregnant?"

"A month," she admitted reluctantly.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? You didn't really think that I wouldn't want our baby, did you?"

"No, it wasn't that at all. I just wanted to wait until I'd made it farther along than I did with the last pregnancy, and then I realized that, if I waited a week longer, I could tell you on Christmas, and it would give you ... us a good Christmas memory."

Though he wished that she'd told him sooner, he did understand what she'd been trying to do by keeping the news from him. Besides, she was having his child. How could he be angry with her?

His lips came to hers once more, and then as quickly as he'd claimed her mouth, he pulled away.

"Maybe you should lie down," he said, releasing her.

"I'm sure that I'll be flat on my back in a few minutes if you keep kissing me," she purred.

"Oh, no, that isn't going to happen. You've got a baby in there, and I'm not taking any chances," he said firmly, pointing at her stomach.

"You know that if I wasn't comfortable or if the doctor had told me that there was any risk to the baby, I wouldn't have been making love with you. I would have told you sooner," Mac said with understanding. She had, after all, just given him permission to be a worry wart without penalty, though she knew that he'd read a zillion pregnancy and baby books when she'd been pregnant the first time, and he should remember that intercourse was fine for a pregnant woman.

Harm felt silly, but his wife wasn't the only one who wanted a child, and they'd been given another chance. He didn't want to mess it up.

"I'm fine. We're fine," she said, claiming his lips with hers.

DECEMBER 17, 2009

There had been no trip this year. If Mac's move to a new duty station three months ago hadn't been enough 'travel' with a baby in one year, their son had renewed their Christmas spirit and joy in the season, so there was no reason to be anywhere other than at home to celebrate the holiday.

Decorating the tree this year was a happy time as their son watched the twinkling lights from his swing while his parents hung the ornaments until there was only one item left to be placed on the tree.

Harm placed the white, lace-trimmed booties on their tree and looked as his son as he said, "You're too young this year, but some day you'll be old enough to understand that the baby booties on the tree are so that we never forget that your sister or brother, who we never got to meet, is here with us, too."

With the booties in their proper place on the tree, Harm and Mac moved to the mantle and, for the baby boy who had been born healthy at the end of June, they hung a 'Baby's First Christmas' stocking.

It would be the Christmas after their son turned six that he'd ask why they looked so sad when they put the baby booties on the tree, and that's when his parents would tell him about the baby who they never got to meet and why the baby booties on the tree were so important.

Their son's only question was, "Do you love me as much as you loved that baby?"

"Of course, we do. Why would you think that we didn't?" his parents replied empathically.

"'Cuz, there aren't any booties on the tree for me."

Starting that year, there were always two sets of booties on the tree. One for each child, the one who they'd never know and the one who they got to hold every day.

THE END


End file.
